Sunday, July 27, 2008


He jolted awake
Fear gripping at him
Cold sweat raced down his brow
His heart thumping
His breath shallow
His one desperate thought is
How do you escape a nightmare?

(Can't think of a tittle)

Her heart speeds up,
faster and faster it goes

She breaths with no patteren
Her blood pulses through her head

Her vision blurs
She fears for life,
she dreads the next moment

She listens for a vioce
of reasuarance,
but only hears
a terrible,
rapid beating
quickly increasing

She thinks of her life,
the good and the bad
When her innocence cried,
to when she tainted herself

She wishes
she could fix
all that is broken
She wishes
she could finish
all that is undone

Suddenly, all is still
There is no sound
She cannot breathe
She does not feel

And her world stands still
Somewhere, someone is crying

(If some of the words are misspelled, sorry, my spellcheck thinggy broke :(. I couldn't think of a tittle for this poem. I am open to all suggestion, seriusly)

Friday, July 25, 2008

Winter Wonderland Chapter 3: Holding on to nothing

I grunted and laid back onto the smooth gravel, trying to list the positives. Number One… um, I’m alive? Does that even count? Okay, I’ll be my pessimistic self and count all the negatives.
Number one, I’m under a log.
Number two, I’m in the water.
Number three, its winter.
Number four, its night.
Number five, I could get hypothermia.
Number six, I’m in a lost forest.
Number seven, no one knows I’m in a forest.
Number eight, I’m an orphan.
That paints a pretty picture, doesn’t it?

I sighed and opened my eyes. A branch was scratching my face while also irritating me, so I turned my head. I saw my Swiss Army knife a few inches away from me. It must have fallen out of pocket due to the terms of events. I could have jumped for joy if it weren’t for that stupid tree.

I reached over and grabbed it. I took out the knife and stared at it, thinking. Why am I doing this? I thought, is there even a point? What would be waiting for me if I do make it through the night? A pile of ashes? An orphanage? A hospital? This is hopeless! The reality, cruel and unhelpful, seeped into my thoughts. I shook them from my head. I didn’t really want to think about any of that. My mom always used to say to her suicidal patients, there is always a chance if you are still alive.

I kept her reassuring voice in my head as I cut off some of the smaller branches, freeing most of my hair and some of my jacket. That was simple, cutting off the bigger branches that held my arms and upper torso would be the challenge. I started sawing off the branch that held my left arm. Luckily for me, the water had weakened the branches that held me prisoner. When that was done I moved on to my right arm. On and on it went, until I was finally able to move freely
without being scratched to death.

I lay back down and crossed my arms, exhausted. I started to realize exactly how cold and wet I was. My clothes and hair felt like heavy sand bags. Bitter wind whipped my face making my teeth chattered. My legs were numb with cold and pain. I was dangerously freezing. My breath came as short, hollow shutters.

Now I really started feeling tired. My eyes drooped with weariness. Sleep would feel so good right now, I thought, my eyes starting to close as I mind began to fade into darkness… I snapped my eyes open. What am I thinking? Sleep is only good if you wake up! I clenched my teeth as I sat up. The cold enveloped me, with no help from my stupid jacket. I looked at my feet. They were horrible. They were red on the verge of turning black. My toes were bleeding and they were dirtier than hell.

“Oh my god” I said covering my mouth. I wondered where my shoes were for a second, trying to take my mind of that horrid image of my feet. I concluded that they were lost in the river. Note to self: Don’t wear slip ons when crossing a rushing river on a soaked, old, fungi infested tree. Especially with no socks on.

I tried to push the log off but it didn’t budge. I tried again. This time it moved but it hurt like hell. I grinded my teeth as I tried not to scream in pain, it would only be a waste of energy if I did.

I lay back down in defeat, breathing heavily. The darkness came back, trying to get me to be overwhelmed with it. It blurred my vision. There were black holes in my sight, as if they were to rip a movie screen. I blinked, trying to regain full consciousness. I didn’t really work for the most part. I groaned inwardly, I had no effort to do it out loud.

In the distance I heard a faint growl, then a few paw steps. How in god’s name am I able to hear paw steps? I thought pensively. It wasn’t normal. I was interrupted by another growl, louder this time, to loud for my liking. Slowly, I propped myself up and twisted my body around to see the source of the noise. I was staring at a muzzle, complete with a wet nose, gray fur, and very pointy, barred teeth. I looked up at the creature’s eyes; the black pits seemed angry and agitated. It didn’t seem all that happy to see me.
“Crud” I said under my breath.

I tried to inch away from it as much as I could, regretting not taking gymnastics or something to be flexible. My hand hit something. I looked down without moving my head. It was long branch. I gripped it tight. The wolf growled again, this time it was louder than before. I flinched at how loud it sounded in my ears. It moved closer, I moved farther away. It took another step forward and I moved back, tightening my grip even more on the branch. My heartbeat sped up with fear, but I kept a straight face. I wanted to scream, yell for help, but I was too exhausted to do so, plus I didn’t want to startle the wolf. It growled again and barked. The noise hurt my ears.

It got into crouch, but it was more protective than threatening. I stared at it in wonder. What would it need to protect from me? After a few seconds, I realized it wasn’t facing me. Then I heard another growl, more distant than before. It didn’t come from the one in front of me, I grasped. I blinked and looked in the direction of the noise. In the dark shadows of the trees I could only make out a faint outline of another wolf and a pair of piercing amber eyes. I looked back to the one in front of me. It snarled at the other as they spoke non-understanding words.

The other wolf backed away a few steps, but then it ran and leaped onto the one in front of me. The gray wolf dodged skillfully as the other landed on nothing but hard earth. It had dark brown fur that I had mistaken for black for a few seconds. It got up and faced the gray wolf and snarled back, tail lashing from side to side furiously. The gray wolf jumped onto the brown wolfs back, biting feverishly. The brown wolf wasn’t as quick as the gray wolf as it tried, too late, to dodge the attack. The gray wolf bit the scruff of his neck. The brown one rolled over on its back, crushing the gray wolf.

The gray wolf pushed the brown one off of it. Soon they just looked like big gray and brown blur. My arms gave under me as I began to slump down on the ground. Everything was getting darker by the second. The stars dimmed as my eyes started to drift close. The moment before I left consciousness, a triumph howl sang through the night.

(A/N: Okay I want another name for this chapter, if you have any suggestion feel free to tell me...pretty please.....)

Winter Wonderland Chapter 2: Lost and Alone

How could it be that the one time my mom decides to cook, the house goes on fire? That is just not right, nor is it smart. I knew that it was wrong to be mad at her when she was dead, but I was madder at myself for not preventing her to even touch anything flammable. Although she was part of the reason my life sucked, at least it gave me a little purpose taking care of her.

After my dad died when I was twelve, she slowly started to lose sanity. She was depressed for a year, refusing help for the fact it would be embarrassing that a therapist would need help. She forgot my name and everything else about me a lot and she quit her job as a therapist, forcing me to get a job at a grocery store. She believed her patients were “going to get her”. I was pretty sure she was going schizophrenic, but when I tried to tell her to get some help she just barked at me saying I was a part of all of it if I picked up the phone. I felt pity for her and just worked basically as her house maid.

When I did she started treating me as a servant. She gave me no freedom. She blamed me for everything and suspected me of many things, threatening to “rat me out” to the police. Even though there was nothing to prove, I didn’t want to go through the hassle. My temper ran short so I would get angry at her many times, but I would try to calm myself down by telling myself it’s not her fault she’s mentally crabby.

This news had to be the worst sound I had ever heard, but I was wrong. The worst sound came moments later. There was a sickening crack. I looked down at the tree. There was a huge split right where I was standing. I tried to get off but my body couldn’t move, it was still in shock.
“Move” I told myself, but my feet still didn’t listen, at least not in time.

There was one more crack and then nothing but air. It lasted forever and for a second. What felt like a century, but also a moment, later I felt an icy cold blast of water hit my head, I accidently breathed in some. My head rose above the water choking for air as the strong current pulled me under again. I lashed out, looking for something to grab onto. Fortunately I found a rock. I held onto it while I tried to catch my breath. The water was arctic cold in the middle of this freezing winter. I was surprised that the river hadn’t frozen over by now. Then again, if it did, I’d probably dead or at least in more pain.

My dad died two days after my twelfth birthday. He decided to go climb the Application Mountains. I asked if I could go, but he said no. I’m almost glad he did. He died by a rock slide the day after he left. My dad was killed by earth, my mom died of a fire, and I’m about to drown. Does irony care for no one?

To my horror, I saw half of the tree hurtling towards me. Before I could do anything I was pushed off the rock and was under water again. The branches were tangled in my russet brown hair and hooked in my jacket, scratching me as I moved. I kept trying to squirm free, but my efforts were wasted. I struggled to get my head out of the water and keep it there, but the weight of the tree pulled me down just seconds after I had a strained breath.

The sides of my arms scraped the walls of the gorge. It hurt so much; it felt like I was being grated. When I was little I was riding a scooter down a steep hill with my eyes closed. Near the bottom, the front wheel hit a rock and I flew off of it. I shattered my knee cap on the hard concrete. I bawled out from the pain. My dad rushed to my aid, telling me not to think about the pain. I shut my eyes and tried, my efforts were useless. Between gasps I told him it was hard. He told me think about my mother’s lullaby. That time it worked.

I shut my eyes and thought about the lullaby, trying to reapeat the method I used so long ago. It was a sweet melody. I loved it. The pain began to slacken a little, but song started to come slower. I desperately tried to remember the words, but I was forgetting them and mixing it up. I couldn’t believe I was forgetting the song my mother sang to me when I was a kid, and the song I sang to myself when I needed the comforting that no one else would give me when my dad died. I shot into the air and grabbed a needed breath. My head started to clear. I successfully remembered the song, and the pain was gone. Actually it was still there, but it was dull and barely there, like background music that no one ever listens to.

I once again had the dreadful sensation of falling, but I was still in the water. The rushing water stung my eyes, so I couldn’t see anything. There was another ice-cold blast of water again, but since I was already only half conscious and submerged in water, it hurt less. Suddenly, the current was gone, just a gentle push and pull of the water. I tried to move my arms so I could swim to the edge, but the branches trapped my arms. I tried to move the rest of my body, but I just ended up under the tree.

I narrowed my eyes in frustration. This tree was not helping. I lifted my head out of the water so I could breathe. I was lucky I was at least able to lift my head, but that’s it. I closed my eyes and waited for the soft current to pull me to the edge. As I got closer, the tree got heavier. When I could feel the gravel beneath me, I used my fingers to go a little faster. By now I could barely move under the tree. When I finally got to edge, I could not move my lower body. The tree was crushing my legs. I gritted my teeth as the pain shot through my body. I propped myself up and looked around. It was twilight and the temperature started to go down as the sun descended from the sky.

I had never been to this part of the woods. I never knew this lake or this waterfall was here. As the moon began to take the suns place, the shadows of the trees grew darker. The bright, cheery forest that I had known and loved became gloomy, frightening, and unwelcoming. My little dreamland became a nightmare.

Winter Wonderland Chapter 1: Safe Haven

It was like a white blanket of snow had covered the forest and the plants were falling asleep beneath them. The pine trees were never going to rest but only held on to the blanket for comfort as it was the only thing visible to grasp. It was cold yet comforting and soothing. The only noise was the rushing of the stream, always moving, always restless, never still. The air was pure to breathe in and the smell of the pines masked all other scents. The snow was soft, as if the clouds had decided to settle down on the earth. Every so often, a bird would chirp or a small creature would scramble up a tree. The skies extended overhead as the clouds roamed the sea of blue. In this place all felt free.

I walked the well trodden path along the forest floor. I took a deep breath in, I loved the air here. It was so unlike the air in the city, or any other human populated area. All regular people do nothing but pollute the area. They don’t know what they’re missing. The real fresh air, the beauty of it, the freedom, there was nothing better. I adored it.

Allegheny National Forest was a reserved area. It served as a sanctuary to woodland animals that had lost their homes in a wild fire in the old Lovell Forest around the lake. I was only two when this happened. If it weren’t for the wildlife reservation people, this retreat would be a mall. No one was allowed here, but I wasn’t about to start listening now. I loved it here; it was like my little refuge. It was like leaving all my troubles behind to just enjoy myself and be happy by myself, with no one else to ruin the moment.

I placed my hand on the rough bark of a tree and closed my eyes. I was at peace. Unfortunately, a vibrating in my pocket disrupted my bliss. I sighed and looked at the caller ID. It was none other than my mother. I warily put the phone to my ear and answered it.
“Hello?” I said into the receiver.
“Caitlynn Carell!” my mom yelled into the phone. I moved the phone away from my ear and put it back, she had a pair of lungs!
“Yes, mom?” I replied idly.
“Where are you? You were supposed to be here hours ago!” I looked at my watch. It was half past six. Oops. “I had to waste money on buying pizza because you were taking so long!” her nasally voice complained.
“Get a cookbook and learn how to cook,” I muttered.
“Nothing” I replied.

“Look, I’m on my way as we speak,” I said walking towards the edge of the forest. It would take about twenty five minutes to get to the fence separating happiness from hell. I always wandered all over the place, it was just so big!

“Okay fine, but if you’re not back within forty minutes, I am calling the cops,” she threatened. I rolled my eyes and simply replied,
“Whatever” and snapped the phone shut and placed it in my right pocket. Way to make my life miserable again, mom, I thought. I paused. Something wasn’t right, I didn’t know what. It was just a feeling, but it was strong. I just shrugged it off as my over active imagination.

I missed it when my life was enjoyable. Dad was alive and healthy back then. I remember he used to play with me, even if they were ridiculous games like dress up or tea party. My mom was happy back then. My dad was adventurous. He had a job as a volunteer fireman while my mom was a therapist. I took so much interest in her work; I even got her to tell me the symptoms of a couple of mental illnesses. These memories crossed my mind as I slowly wandered to the fence.

About four yards away from the fence there was a narrow gorge. In it, a thin river flowed rapidly about twenty feet below the edge. The only way to cross it was to either keep following it until it was shallow enough to wade across or find stepping stones. The other way was to cross the tree. It was a big tree and was wide enough to cross. It was too big to move. It was like nature’s own little bridge. It was perfect, as long as you didn’t stay in the same place for more than two minutes.

I cautiously stepped onto the tree. I spread my arms out for balance as I slowly put one foot in front of the other. I always had my dad’s spirit, my mom used to say, always looking for the challenge. As I made it half way there, my phone buzzed. I momentarily lost my balance, but I was steady again. I took out my phone and looked at the caller ID. It was the police. It had only been half an hour, she said forty five minutes! Reluctantly, I picked up the phone.
“Hello?” I said
“Ms. Caitlynn Carell, this is the police department of Warren, Pennsylvania,” some lady said. No, really? I thought you were a telemarketer! Thank you for pointing out the obvious! I itched to say, but for the sake of not ending up in jail, I didn’t.

“Yes?” I said through gritted teeth.
“I’m sorry to tell you there was a terrible accident.”
I stopped dead in my tracks. “What do you mean?” I said hesitantly.
“Your mother accidentally left the stove on but apparently forgot about it and went to go take a shower. The curtains caught in a blaze and by the time your mother got out of the shower, most of the house was on fire. She was smart enough to call the fire department, but unfortunately, the fire was blocking her exit and she too was engulfed in flames.”
I dropped my phone into the gorge out of shock.


The stars shine above.
The glimmering lights
impossible to see
in the blazing sunlight.
The night sky peace,
with their vast numbers,
they dazzle me
I could forever be watching them.

I could forever be watching them.
They dazzle me,
with their vast numbers,
the night sky peace.
In the blazing sunlight,
it's impossible to see
the glimmering lights.
The stars shine above.
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